Saturday, March 31, 2012

Now, where was I ......

I want I want I want. How decidedly unspiritual that sounds. I do want some “things”, material things, things to happen, but what I want now, more than ever, is to rejoin my life, where ever it is when I left it behind, when I put it on hold.

I want to wake up in the morning and shout “I LOVE MY LIFE!” and am reminded of that book by Lynn Grabhorn, "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting".

My monkey mind lays low, sometimes for months and then suddenly I realize it let itself in the back door unseen and has been hypnotizing me with its chatter for a blurred amount of time.

My presence here has been sparse most of this calendar year or longer, my time taken up with some big inner events shifting me in every way possible. I feel tender and vulnerable and changed. I have also been absent fighting a battle I chose to take up over what I perceive as a gross injustice.

How can I let go of obsessing about this injustice that sits under my nose every day? Why can’t my mind and my heart learn once and for all that underneath the injustice I see there is pure justice. I just can’t see it right now. Oh karma, you confuse and torment me sometimes. Is it ultimately about control and how I am railing against not being able to control this outcome? Can I let what I perceive as injustice find its own balance? Damn, it’s hard. On June 22, it can all be told. But will there be any point, then?

My warrioress has been called to drop her sword and shield and to come in peace within myself. I am consciously letting go and trusting. I am not giving up, it is more like I am giving “it” up. And I am certainly not admitting defeat, only that being in a pissing contest with a skunk is not where I want to spend any more of my days.

Now, where was I? I was having virtual coffee on Tuesdays and virtual vermut on Fridays when I wasn’t busy penning a haiku. I silenced myself through Wordless Wednesdays. I was laughing and crying over many, many different things. I was making art and feeding my soul, dancing to Motown music on the radio and cranking open the sun roof. Little things meant a lot and my cynicism was at bay. I know I am not going back, I am going forward with a new bend in my road and my eyes softly focused on my heart and something intangible that knows itself inside.

So... if we were meeting for a vermut today, I would have lots of pictures to show you. There would be the whole St. Patrick’s Day sets of green, from green scrambled eggs

to dogs

and more dogs

a few Super Heroes

a leprechaun at the bowling alley

and a few other funny faces

There was even a green mocha

and unforgettable shoes.

I would show you more colours, like red

and more red

red and yellow

and classic gray

There would be silly signs at the park entrance

we wondered how the people were to ride the see-saw and play tennis if humans were not allowed to walk through or even how they would manage to wake board without breaking the rules.

There would be evidence of dogs breaking the rules.

If we were meeting for vermut I would tell you this year has been a lot about patience

and knowing when to slow down and rest.

We have had spring days where we could go barefoot

then had to quickly change back to full battle gear.

I have made Chakra Tea with Latisha Guthrie, learning a valuable lesson about what I can find in my Homedirt if I look hard enough

and celebrated a birthday or two.

I have weaned myself off the Picnik photo processing site and tweaked many of the photos above over at Picmonkey and although I haven't fully explored the site, I would say is a darned fine (free) replacement for the beloved Picnik.

And then, if you were still with me, I would say let's go over to Kate's to see if she will spot us a glass or two and maybe we could get Bonnie and Blue to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat with us in English.


Ellena said...

So much to comment on. It's the 'before' and 'after' photos of your Homedirt that stopped my breathing. As long as you can find and show us such beauty I'm not worried about the wellbeing of your soul. How wise to opt for letting go and thus finding peace within yourself.

Sherry said...

You have had a year of turbulence and unsettled moorings...your boat has bashed at the rocks and ridden high the waves...and you are still at the tiller. You talk about control and not being able to control outcomes and this is one of the biggest truths...there are times and situations in life where we appear to not be in control and yet we are still holding the rope or the wheel because damn it, someone needs to steer!!!

Much will come of this and the hard part is that it isn't possible to see what "is" coming of it. We don't always see the lessons until we have "mastered" the subject.

I hear a lot of energy in these words and most of it is positive...strength, spirit, and love.

And I love your photography with or without pic monkey (which I also like!) -- you capture the heart of everything you see!! xoxox

Beth said...

Some changes and battles come upon us quickly – and are dealt with quickly. Others are slower & must be dealt with slowly. Which can be frustrating. A few years ago I found a quotation via Sherry’s blog (I can’t find the source – sound familiar?) It calms me - keeps me focused.

“Let whatever you do today be enough.”

I think you are handling your inner – and outer - life very well. :)

Love the photos you post on your blog – slices of life – some humorous, some serious – all beautiful.

Alya said...

Welcome back to your own life. Monkey mind is always with us but we don't have to participate in every argument we are invited to. Soemtimes a very hard thing to remember but so worth it.

Cheryl said...

I love the pictures, always do! What I love the most is the contest with the skunk! That description is so appropriate! At least there's an outside date to the'll be the winner.

thecatalanway said...

Love you, love the photos, love the dogs with hats and LOVE that you are back, battle scarred but smiling! I can't write more now - I am off very early in the morning and I want to write or sing with you but it must wait....for a virtual day in the future. BIG hug and keep on trucking
Kate xx

Ps what's this with the wordy thing again?????

Roos said...

It's O.K., it's all O.K.

Wrapping my arms around you from Amsterdam!

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

It sounds like you've been going through quite a transition and transformative time. Those aren't easy, but if you can get through it, they're usually very worth while. I do hope that's the case for you! And that things are settling a bit.

I also really want to thank you for mentioning PicMonkey! It looks perfect! I'd been so bummed about Picnik closing down. PicMonkey looks like it'll be the perfect replacement. So thank you for telling us about it!

Kim Mailhot said...

I am home from a weekend where I went far, far away. I missed this post until now. And I miss you, beautiful, powerful one. I wish for much less monkey brain and much more PicMonkey pics, where you shine that talented eye and that fine sense of humor so brightly!
Love ya, Friend!

oreneta said...

June 22, looks like the last day of school to me, though I could be wrong. Hang tough! And hang with green dogs, especially if they're sleeping!

Lis said...

I am holding this space for you ... you are fighting the good fight and I am always inspired by how your spirit never NEVER fades!

Sigh ... patience ... she is a bitch to tango with ... oh, right, she's doesn't tango? Hmm ... explains a lot ...

Don't you just love Latisha? Just wait until Spring is in full swing ... oh, the witchy brews we will share!

Just wanted to say ... you are often in my thoughts and mama, I KNOW I KNOW! Perhaps you are paying off some bad karma? Once all is done, this account will be closed! xo Lis