Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Value

I had a lesson in self-value yesterday. I went in to work, with the intent of giving two weeks notice. I had been romanced over to another place recently and I spent the weekend mulling and weighing the pros and cons of staying -vs- leaving. The end result of my mulling was I would stay if my current employer offered a considerable increase in wage. The increase seemed impossible to meet, I thought, and it was all but a sealed deal that I would be changing positions. It turned out that I was wrong. After almost two years at this one job, after feeling very much under valued and under appreciated more often than not, it turns out that I have highly valued knowledge and skills. Who knew? This whole magilla got me thinking of how I value myself. How important is money to how I feel about myself? Money is just one of the reasons I decided to stay the course, the other was some flex time that means time for art and time to be there for Riley at the end of the day or when he's sick. "Me" time. It was great big huge to know that my presence, my contribution makes a difference in someone else's world. And although my "work" is far from any kind of soul enriching service to humanity or the planet, it did tweak how I will look at going in, giving up my precious "me" time to earn the money that pays for our life.

One thing I am so disappointed in is not leaping. It's been a year since taking that leap of faith has been in the forefront of my mind. That old monkey on my back - fear - keeps me from believing that I really can. My one precious life? What am I doing with it more than mucking along, one foot in the quagmire of fear while my heart pulls and pulls to really soar.
But I can really only deal with one insecurity at a time.

Another lesson in self-value came last night. For the first time all season, Riley's soccer team won their game. They play twice a week, so we're probably a good 12 or 14 games into the season. It's been a lesson in disappointment for him. How would you feel if your team never won? As an adult, how easily could you keep yourself buoyed up with loss after loss? I know I would have a hard time thinking, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". Honestly, up until last night, the team had only scored a total of two goals all season. But something came together for them, I'm not sure what, but they played well despite our excessive heat and humidity. They not only won the game, they mopped the field with the other team for a 5 - 1 win. The thrill and joy was over the top for the kids and for the parents too who have had to be the ones saying, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". There is an element to winning sometimes, that's one of my truths.


3 comments:

Snap said...

Interesting how the universe works ... can be subtle and can be a 2x4 upside the head. We are constantly learning ... sometimes not to easy. Sometimes wondering where the heck have we been to not KNOW! Hugs to you and Riley on your big Days.....

Heather Plett said...

I'm a great believer in things happening in their season, and maybe the leap for you will come when the time is right. Not long ago, I was going to take "the leap" from my current job, but then life got in the way and I couldn't. A month later, I got an opportunity to go to ALIA, the leadership workshop that changed my life. If I hadn't stayed in my job long enough, I wouldn't have had a chance to go.

Now I'm beginning to think about leaping again and wondering if the timing is right this time around. :-)

Lis said...

I too have spent a year weighing the pros and cons of my job and wondering if I am staying put out of fear and what would i leap into anyway? It is hard when there seems to be this massive movement to support leaping but lately I've been thinking about crafting a well lived life. My current job allows me flexibility and energy to pursue my passions when I am off work. Is this settling? Or is it being fearless in a different way?

Your story of your son ... that gives me a lot to think about. There are the words we share with our children but sometimes we are asking of them things we would struggle with. I have to be more mindful of this ...

xo Lis