On Gratitude, part 153

This week I was gifted with so much; through my friendships, lessons, inner evaluations, many of which drew tears.  I would like to share with you some gratitude that has made me pause this week.  

I harvested the last crop of mint from our garden

witnessed mushrooms in unexpected places

watched this thumbergia plant flower over and over again despite the calendar date.

I received this Frida Kahlo necklace as a gift from Sherry, my fellow Frida persona with who(m?) I share a reciprocal adoration  and who makes life more real for me on a day-to-day basis in so many unexplainable ways

I watched this spider catch many flies, grateful he stationed himself far *enough* from my house to enjoy observing him and his ways

Another extraordinary event that happened was that I was gifted a spot in Anne-Marie Bennett's next Soul Collage class, something that I have ached for over many, many moons and now, thanks to a very generous heart, will let me jump into with all that I can bring to it.   So whilst I thrash around in the shadows, I have been acutely aware of the ones who show up to light my way, spur me on and keep me accountable for where my feet trod on my path.  I humbly bow to all of you in thanks and gratitude for holding space for me, for loving me for who I am.  

Views from my kayak

I haven't posted enough here since Blogger changed the format and every time I do show up here, it feels a bit frantic as I click around finding my sweet spot.

I have been having some sweet experiences like outdoor art for everyone

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finding polar bears during an extended, parching heat wave

and out houses right off the secondary highway

not to mention thinking I was candidly photographing a heavily tattooed man only to get home and find I wasn't so candid with my camera.

Life has been hard and strange and exhilarating and I still don't know which direction I am headed any given day. The best I do is show up and sometimes muck along, sometimes grab the brass ring. Just when I thought I had tempered the change blasting through, I feel yet another wave of light and shadow shaking me up and making sure I am exactly where I need to be.

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The Conversation

A few nights ago I took Riley to the pool after supper and we unexpectedly met one of his friends there. Naturally, I thought this was stellar for me as I suddenly didn't have to go in the water. Riley played with this friend for almost two hours and when I pulled him out we had this conversation:

Riley: why didn't you come in the water with me?

Me: I didn't think you wanted your old, fat, stinky momma if you had a friend to play with

Riley: you're not stinky

Reading between the lines is easy. What struck me was how I described myself and how that story I tell myself about myself isn't true. I'm not stinky.

Value

I had a lesson in self-value yesterday. I went in to work, with the intent of giving two weeks notice. I had been romanced over to another place recently and I spent the weekend mulling and weighing the pros and cons of staying -vs- leaving. The end result of my mulling was I would stay if my current employer offered a considerable increase in wage. The increase seemed impossible to meet, I thought, and it was all but a sealed deal that I would be changing positions. It turned out that I was wrong. After almost two years at this one job, after feeling very much under valued and under appreciated more often than not, it turns out that I have highly valued knowledge and skills. Who knew? This whole magilla got me thinking of how I value myself. How important is money to how I feel about myself? Money is just one of the reasons I decided to stay the course, the other was some flex time that means time for art and time to be there for Riley at the end of the day or when he's sick. "Me" time. It was great big huge to know that my presence, my contribution makes a difference in someone else's world. And although my "work" is far from any kind of soul enriching service to humanity or the planet, it did tweak how I will look at going in, giving up my precious "me" time to earn the money that pays for our life.

One thing I am so disappointed in is not leaping. It's been a year since taking that leap of faith has been in the forefront of my mind. That old monkey on my back - fear - keeps me from believing that I really can. My one precious life? What am I doing with it more than mucking along, one foot in the quagmire of fear while my heart pulls and pulls to really soar.

But I can really only deal with one insecurity at a time.

Another lesson in self-value came last night. For the first time all season, Riley's soccer team won their game. They play twice a week, so we're probably a good 12 or 14 games into the season. It's been a lesson in disappointment for him. How would you feel if your team never won? As an adult, how easily could you keep yourself buoyed up with loss after loss? I know I would have a hard time thinking, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". Honestly, up until last night, the team had only scored a total of two goals all season. But something came together for them, I'm not sure what, but they played well despite our excessive heat and humidity. They not only won the game, they mopped the field with the other team for a 5 - 1 win. The thrill and joy was over the top for the kids and for the parents too who have had to be the ones saying, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". There is an element to winning sometimes, that's one of my truths.

Further Chronicles of the Dark: The Saboteur

I have been sitting on this card for almost a week. When I first pulled it from the deck I laughed, then felt kind of devastated.

From a deck of 80 cards, I managed to find this one. According to Caroline Myss, the Saboteur is one of four archetypes we all have in common, the other three being the Child, the Prostitute and the Victim. My Saboteur and my Victim often walk hand in hand. Just when I think I am past much of that behavior, it surfaces and I get to look it boldly in the face. Again. I can look back on my twenties and see how I was so mired in personal discovery-hormonal-reactionary-overdrive and that helps me when I spend time with people of that age. It has given me an insight into the angst that grows from adolescent angst. My thirties were slightly better. Everything calmed down somewhat but the Saboteur would often surface with self destructive feelings and actions of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough (you get the idea). And now being able to look back on my forties I feel as if personal growth has sped up. Conceptually, what used to take me a decade to work through, I feel I can "get" in a couple of years. In theory. Both light and dark attributes are pretty dark to me, the light is described as, "Highlights your fear of self-empowerment and the changes it would bring to your life". I do fear some of the changes, I do want certain guarantees. I'll bargain with the gods and goddesses - give me this but don't take away that. I want to let go of the trapeze and yet the fears are paralyzing. This, in a nutshell, has been my week with the saboteur.

Navel Gazing

The last couple of days have had a lot of ups and downs. I always get a little introspective at this time of year, the days which have become noticeably shorter lend themselves to more serious thoughts. I've been reading a lot lately (read: 2 years) on being mindful. Saying practicing mindfulness, bringing your energy into present time and living in the now are basically all the same. If there are nuances they are just that and I am blissfully unaware of them. I am only now discovering that being mindful also means taking time, slowing down and acceptance. Which is different from liking or enjoying where you are and accepting that what is going on is going on. When do you know that any relationship in your life, be it a romantic partner, a friendship, a job, has reached its natural conclusion? When do you know to take it off of life support and let it go, with blessings if at all possible? Go to the light! Go to the light! Maybe it is the influence of autumn but I am feeling the natural end to different aspects in and of my life. Some of it is scary, some of it also feels liberating and both at the same time.

But Seriously

After recently exposing the bowels of my bathroom, I feel like I need to reestablish my credibility a little. Today I am guest blogging over at Tara Reid's Innerpreneur website. And I am feeling a little intimidated because over the next two weeks, the other guest bloggers are going to be 1) a psychotherapist and relationship coach; 2) a Man of Mystery; and 3) an e-business owner. It appears I am in rich company, me and my Chicklets. It's a departure from my usual pithy, sarcastic posts here, I barely recognized myself.

Now, to catch up with my 365 day photo project, here's one with the toaster effect. A close-up too close up and a bath shot.


It appears that after about seven weeks we are finally about to get a break in the weather. The forecast is for above zero temperatures both Saturday and Sunday. I think our spirits need the lift, even if it does rain. I've been so cold for so long I've almost gotten used to it (not!).

And another thing

There is this K-Tel commercial airing now, promoting a CD for kids, it's called something like K-Tel Pop for Kids 5. I shudder to think there are four previous CDs but mostly that there were four other commercials. The ad has about a dozen 9 and 10 year-old boys and girls, the girls all tarted up and the boys looking like the original N'Snyc, and they are singing and dancing to these love ballads. The first time I saw the commercial I thought it was a spoof, not realizing the tv was tuned to Discovery Kids channel. I know I'm talking censorship but really, there ought to be laws. And our current laws are serving the wrong people if our government requires that Scholastic book order forms get sent home from school in brown paper packaging (as if it was pornography) yet allow such blatant advertising with a dearth of morals.

Toodle-oo 2008

You've been quite the year, 2008. I stretched, I learned, I obsessed. I built up my art studio after a very long absence from the creative life and have started to work creatively again. I spent quality time with my son and saw him off to kindergarten. I had the summer off, something I wanted to do for a long time and it didn't even matter that it rained a lot. I got my hands dirty, in so many ways. I made some new friends and let go of one or two old ones. I had laser eye surgery and said good-bye to decades of glasses (and hello to reading glasses, but that's OK). I had some cancerous tissue cut out and have the scar to prove it. I let go of a few bad attitudes. I kept up with my exercise regimen and added yoga to my life. I adopted a neti pot and learned to love it. I've nurtured myself and been hard on myself. I've slept in, taken quiet time and done a pretty good job almost single-handedly raising my son to where he is now, a kind, generous, empathetic, funny boy of almost six. I've started the practice of getting up at 5:00 a.m. to have one precious hour to myself. I've given myself permission to take the last two weeks off of that early morning alarm. I started a blog and have been astounded at how it's added to my creative life. I've met so many wonderful people through the internet and luckily not received any nasty or derogatory comments (probably because only about 3 people read my blog, including family members). After taking ten months off of work, I found a job in these crazy and uncertain economic times, one that lets me work flexible part-time hours, so important to me and my lifestyle. I've made lots of people, as well as myself, laugh.

There is so much good that has come from this year. And one of the most important lessons was taught to me about regret, right at the end. I feel like I squeezed the most out of this year. I think I'm ready for 2009. One toe in the water, the rest of the foot on the shore, balancing. Thanks to everyone who contributed to making this year so wonderful, you will never all know who you are or how much you touched my life.

Funky

I've been in a kind of a funk the last few days. Seems that the impending holidays brings out the best and the worst in people. My home is a simmering pot of moodiness and gunk. Stirred up with a big wooden spoon. Images of sugar plums are dancing in my head, but a certain sadness prevails. Growing up, our home was always awash in volatile emotions, more so during holidays or special days such as birthdays or mothers day, fathers day etc. and I hate to think my son is being raised in the same kind of environment that is so...well, unnecessary. I've been working in my studio quite regularly thanks to the fact that the early morning alarm has been silent and will be for another (almost) two weeks. And that has helped, has also helped me to clarify what I want to set out as things to work on in the coming year and accomplishments to be grateful for in the past one. I like the change of calendar year. I like reflecting on the opportunities that have passed through my life and how much they have contributed to where I find myself now.

Last weekend Santa told me I looked tired (gee, thanks Santa for the honesty)and I was struck by a certain crone-ness when I realized the last 5 or 6 CDs (almost typed "albums" there) were all greatest hits or best of. That kind of did me in for a few minutes. I have to wonder how I can feel so old yet so vulnerable at the same time.

I Channel My Father

Lately I have been finding myself channeling my father. One of his better attributes was being in a sickeningly good mood first thing in the morning. He was a happy early riser, a shower-singer. And couldn't stand to see anyone sleep in. For as long as I lived under his roof, the only times I was allowed to sleep in was when I was sick. All the other days of the year he would come in my room (no matter what age I was), pull back my covers and whip up the window blind singing something like, "it's a beautiful day!" Or "rise and shine!" Or "you're wasting the whole day!" He would stay in that mood until around 11:00 a.m.

Now I often find myself simply giddy with being alive. I like waking up, even at the cold and dark hour of 5:00 a.m. which is when my alarm is set for on weekdays. I have an hour to myself before the rest of the humans in my house get up and it makes me feel drunk. Mostly between 5 and 6 I attend to my dogs' bodily functions then work out or do yoga. But I feel like laughing, like I have a secret or a private joke. Some aspects of my life right now are really in the toilet but I still get in the shower and get that same feeling my father must have had. It's unexplainable. I just want to sing. About having this moment, this one free wheeling ride. And lucky for me it lasts long past 11:00 a.m. At the end of the day I look forward to getting in a hot bath with my book, climbing into bed and journaling, taking some silent time before sleep. I'm still not sure how I got here, but I like it. I think I'll stay.

The Neti Pot

I never thought I would say something like I think it's a good idea to put a foreign substance up my nose but...

I've been sick for a week. First it was bone-tired-dog-sick kind of sick for two days. Then the congestion set in. I got desperate when I lost my sense of taste. So off I trotted to get my first neti pot. I had read a blog spot a few weeks ago which showed a video from YouTube demonstrating how this works. And I didn't find it as funny as the original blogger but it did make me wonder why would anyone? It was a bit of a gag-fest the first try but holy cow did it clean me out! I felt smarter without all that *uh* stuff clogging up my faculties. My second shot at it was witnessed by my five-year old son. And it grossed him out. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!", he said as he ran from the room. I managed to gross out a five-year old! Now only three days into this I'm sold. It's kind of fitting that my first post here would involve bodily functions.