Journeying

Ahhhhhh. Retreats. Funny enough my trip to Kripalu did make me retreat into myself. I was never a very social person and going off to a place chock full of people I would have to hob-knob with is very much out of character for me. I love to isolate myself, am happy as a clam all on my own, I crave time by myself and have always been like that. Immersing myself in a crowd of 700 people is the last thing I would do if I was in my right mind.

I had been drawn there to do the first level of a course in animal communication with Penelope Smith. In preparation for the passing of my sweet, old dog, I had read Smith's, "Animals in Spirit" book earlier this year. That book changed my way of thinking about pets and animals by 180 degrees. It was an immediate and never-going-back shift. When I put the book down I felt that I had to meet this woman, had to be in her presence. Things all came together when I found the offering of the first stage of her instruction at Kripalu on the dates when I had extra hands on board for my son and I was off of work. Kripalu is a mere 5 hour drive from where I live, completely do-able. It was a words-cannot-describe experience. Naturally, I met like-minded people, equally excited with similar hopes and shared one of a kind experiences. A room of 20 strangers gathered, opened up, learned and hopefully will go out and share. Oh yeah, there was quite a bit of crying too. And a good share of laughter. This little-big guy, Speed, had a few special words for me, thanks Speed, what you gave to me will stay with me always.

Kripalu is a yoga based retreat center with classes for all levels offered multiple times a day. The days I was there it was hot, especially hot and humid for the mountains and it was flooded with yoginis. Nice people, yoginis. I do yoga regularly in my home, even wake up at an ungodly hour to fit it in, but I felt a bit like a geek in high school. I don't wear the yogini clothes, don't speak the yogini speak. The difference between now and that high school awkwardness is that I was there as a seeker and none of that differentness mattered.

I did take one early morning yoga class. It was full to the brim, we bumped elbows and toes and the whole room smelled like feet. It's kind of hard to find your Om under those circumstances. And I am so very grateful there were no random farters in that class. Every other yoga class I have taken there is always one person who really feels free enough to let go. With no judgment meant to those free and unselfconscious farters. There are even times I wish I felt that kind of personal freedom. I'm just not there yet.

I left only one rock behind, deep in the woods.

And speaking of rocks, I ended my journey with a side trip to the Queen of Arts at her home. I got to see her studio, meet her animals (hi Dave!). Even her garden has royalty.

Ever the graceful Queen, she left a beautiful bouquet of freshly cut flowers from her garden (the blue hydrangeas may or may not have been stolen) in the room where I slept.

Even the kitchen window was be-flowered.

I got a candid silhouette of Cosmo the Cat.

But wait a minute - what is that I see, in her garden?

Let me get closer...

Is it..... is it... a large, unpainted rock?!

Friday Haiku

Off to Kripalu.

Much needed three-day retreat.

Yup, all by myself.

Wordless Wednesday

If one is good, two is better, three is great!

I was over at Sally's house this morning, packing up her perishables and non-perishables. Moving to another country means not taking any food stores so guess what I have now? Four boxes of corn starch, three boxes of baking soda, three different types of vanilla, three tins of baking cacao, three bags of unsweetened, flaked coconut, four tins of bread crumbs, I-don't-know-how-many boxes of gelatin, a cupboard FULL of an assortment of rice and lentils, new flavoured oils and vinegars I am anxious and curious to try, and I have barely scratched the surface. It did give me an opportunity to clean out "that" cupboard. You know the one - bags of bulk store flours, sugars, dried pulses, various and assorted boxes of mixes that went out of date five years ago - enough to fill one trash bag. Unfortunately, she held on to her bottle of gin. She may need it more than me by the end of today!

Friday Haiku

My kind friend Sally

rang yesterday afternoon

with a sweet bouquet

lavender et al

she picked from her own garden

to cheer and heal me.

You see, I had loss

of a tooth, a wisdom tooth,

a planned extraction

due to impaction,

and me, finally finding

the courage to go.

It also meant loss

of seventeen years of fear

of having this done.

I will miss Sally

dearly - she is packing up

and moving forward

for new adventures.

Moving home to New Zealand.

Much too far away.

So I have strung up

this beautiful gift of love

in my studio

to find a way to

preserve these moments we share.

It's new incentive

to dig them out and

put my travelling shoes on.

Kiwi anyone?

Wordless Wednesday

A glimpse of what guides me

All my regular readers (including the lurkers) know that the Queen of Arts and I are thick as thieves. I have been creating blog-art with the rocks I get from her. I have left so many behind in my neighborhood, given so many away, offered up countless ones to friends and strangers and yet some have found me again, returned to me, insisted on being with me. They seem to have a life of their own. I have written about many, including "join in" and "be". "build a bridge" has it's own separate story. Here is a shot of a corner by my computer, one of my many altar sites.

I kept "emerge" because I couldn't part with it. The Queen painted me "Forward" by special request after suffering the very painful loss of my 15 year old dog. And from her visit last weekend, enjoying some time up north of my city at my cabin, I chose "give free hugs" from her own bag of blessings (guess who I gave my first free one to!) . My only regret is that I didn't get a shot of the one that said, "Leap" that she left on my fireplace mantle. Here is a shot of two of my favorite people, together in one of my favorite spots.

What do you do to rejuvenate yourself? What keeps you hanging on?

Value

I had a lesson in self-value yesterday. I went in to work, with the intent of giving two weeks notice. I had been romanced over to another place recently and I spent the weekend mulling and weighing the pros and cons of staying -vs- leaving. The end result of my mulling was I would stay if my current employer offered a considerable increase in wage. The increase seemed impossible to meet, I thought, and it was all but a sealed deal that I would be changing positions. It turned out that I was wrong. After almost two years at this one job, after feeling very much under valued and under appreciated more often than not, it turns out that I have highly valued knowledge and skills. Who knew? This whole magilla got me thinking of how I value myself. How important is money to how I feel about myself? Money is just one of the reasons I decided to stay the course, the other was some flex time that means time for art and time to be there for Riley at the end of the day or when he's sick. "Me" time. It was great big huge to know that my presence, my contribution makes a difference in someone else's world. And although my "work" is far from any kind of soul enriching service to humanity or the planet, it did tweak how I will look at going in, giving up my precious "me" time to earn the money that pays for our life.

One thing I am so disappointed in is not leaping. It's been a year since taking that leap of faith has been in the forefront of my mind. That old monkey on my back - fear - keeps me from believing that I really can. My one precious life? What am I doing with it more than mucking along, one foot in the quagmire of fear while my heart pulls and pulls to really soar.

But I can really only deal with one insecurity at a time.

Another lesson in self-value came last night. For the first time all season, Riley's soccer team won their game. They play twice a week, so we're probably a good 12 or 14 games into the season. It's been a lesson in disappointment for him. How would you feel if your team never won? As an adult, how easily could you keep yourself buoyed up with loss after loss? I know I would have a hard time thinking, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". Honestly, up until last night, the team had only scored a total of two goals all season. But something came together for them, I'm not sure what, but they played well despite our excessive heat and humidity. They not only won the game, they mopped the field with the other team for a 5 - 1 win. The thrill and joy was over the top for the kids and for the parents too who have had to be the ones saying, "it's just a game - you're here to have fun". There is an element to winning sometimes, that's one of my truths.

Friday Haiku

I often wonder

what's the point of writing here,

does anyone care?

Hmm, probably not.

My thoughts and art and writing,

another self-stain.

But try and stop me

and I can become nasty

and hard to live with.

My little corner,

my own self made universe

I can burp and fart

without once saying

"Excuse me", "Oops", or "Sorry".

Confess: you're jealous.

Wordless Wednesday

Of bugs and things, a storyboard in rocks and photos

'Tis the season for nature to be in full throttle. I've often written about what a buggy neighborhood I live in. Since I live less than two blocks from water, we have a lot of spiders.

And when you have a lot of spiders, you have a lot of other bugs. Although I can't say I really

their presence, I see their place in the scheme of things. Their webs offer amazement and beauty.

While taking apart our old shed this weekend we found literally thousands of spider egg pockets. Also, this tiny wasp nest was suspended in a corner, hammock style

Here, you can see how tiny it really is, barely the width of two of my fingers

The intricacies of nature remind me of the interdependence of all things. So, when in doubt, remember

and

Second Guessing

You can tell by this video all the stuff that is being processed from this last week. *sigh* At least I see/hear it. I am grateful we are being dealt the time to talk, to chew if off one bite at a time. For the greater population this is two minutes of b-o-r-i-n-g footage; but for me it is another step in our journey.

Some rock art from today.

And I do love a garbage man with a sense of humor. Or is it a sense of style?

Friday Haiku

It's more than a week

since a quality of light

left me standing here.

I feel her spirit

stronger, clearer than ever

which is a comfort.

Strange how spirit can

walk in, sit down, take up space

yet still be unknown.

Unbelievable

the changes processed this week.

Opportunities

ripe for what? Questions

- more asked than can be answered.

Oh, I miss her though.

Wordless Wednesday

A New Life

Life is strange sometimes, wonderfully strange. Not long after my gentle, old dog left us last week, we received a call to care-take a hamster for three weeks. Today we brought "Creme Fouette" (translation: Whipped Cream") to our house. He's a little shy at the moment, having gone for a drive, been shaken (not stirred) and getting used to the new sounds and smells of our house. I am so happy to be given this chance to take care of another life, grateful to be entrusted to the daily watch. It's filling a gap and hopefully will be enough to satisfy the recent requests by Riley to have a rodent of his own. It is his responsibility to feed, water and exercise. For some reason I have agreed to the more mundane cleaning of the "cage" and tubes and the general and regular checking of the whole apparatus so that Whipped Cream, a.k.a. Houdini, does not escape. I thought it prudent to take a lot of photos early on in case I need to make a quick trip to the pet shop for a double.

I thought I would be housing a wire cage, about 1 foot by 2 feet; instead I have a space age acrylic apparatus with multiple tubes and passageways branching off. Yowza. Whoever said, "it's a dog's life" never hamster-sat a modern-day hamster.

Fear

Oh, now there's a hot topic. It's a human condition. I'm working mine, weeks ago it came as an aha moment that I am driven by fear in so many ways, ways that matter. Last week I had to see one of my biggest fears realized. In a week I have grown so much and still have so far to go. Writing about Riley conquering his fear of taking the training wheels off his bike, I decided today to honour him and his courage by finishing this piece I started a few weeks ago when I had that aha moment.

collage, Inktense pencils, spray ink and acrylic on watercolor paper

Firsts

We had a couple of firsts in the house today.

Riley's first bike ride without training wheels.

It was a long time coming, fear holding him back more than anything. Something I'm quite familiar with so I let it ride, but today, as a father's day present, he looked his fear in the eye. We set ourselves up in the empty tennis court. Lots of cheering and utter surprise. Not a little self confidence blossoming too.

There was also the first hot dog. Ha! I know...but he's always been a picky eater and since hot dogs aren't the healthiest of foods, I let that one go. Today, he managed one jumbo at lunch then another two regulars at our pool opening BBQ.

When you live with an incredibly picky eater, any new food that passes more than one bite is time for celebration. It just opens so many more avenues when eating at friends' houses too.

My rock this morning told me to

I guess a part of my spirit has been sitting on the sidelines since last Tuesday. Baby steps, for me. I'm happy to say I joined in life today, celebrating moments as they happened.

Friday Haiku

My grief has no floor,

swallowed a boulder of love.

It is where I am.

One moment

That's how I'm approaching this day. One step at a time, one moment at a time. Like an ant climbing a hill with a parcel larger than me on my back. Or so my rock told me this morning.

A(nother) life

Fifteen years, three months, eight days. I am in such a deep state of grief I don't know when I will come out.

The one, huge lesson she taught me was to move gently through this world.

Wordless Wednesday

Friday Haiku

What do you think of

all dressed potato chips, huh?

I think they sweep up

all the left-over

spices off the floor and toss

them in one big vat

and label it thus

economizing the loss.

Recycling, maybe?

I feel somewhat duped

and definitely thirsty

after a whole bag.

Just one day

Today was the kind of day that when I got home from work I wasn't sure if I should run for the ice cream or the double shot of vodka. Since it turned out I only had a single shot of vodka left, I poured that on top of the ice cream and made a party of it. But it's really just one day in the grand scheme of things, isn't it?

Wordless Wednesday

Did You Know...

...that

But sometimes you have to

really, really

and then

some more.

This one came back to me today.

Which was kind of weird because when I left it behind, I really wanted it for myself. And today I found it under the bench, upside down under some leaves but I kind of knew it was there and got so excited when I found it again. I'm keeping it. But you have to

An idea whose time has come

My idea of a perfect day includes everyone, big and small, remembering to flush.

An aside

I have been giving myself permission to express my anger lately. It might be contributing to helping me feel better emotionally, even if I am not making many new friends and startling a few old ones. As an example, Riley said to me before supper, "It's OK, you can stop being mad now - my homework is done". In theory this is great, if I can manage to let go of the guilt that comes with blowing off steam.

When you've got your health

The saying goes, when you've got your health, you've got everything. I used to think that was a wise saying but now I've expanded it to include mental and emotional health. These last few days have found me just that little bit lighter, little bit happier but it's all it takes. I am feeling a balanced kind of happy at the moment. It's hard to put into words.

We woke to rain and cool temperatures this morning but it didn't deter us from our walk. We shortened it, ending up at the playground where Riley left his rock.

And what's a rainy day without some puddle action?

Sometimes the events in life have the opposite effect on me than expected. The last few months I have been overwhelmed by loss and grief regardless of the abundance and possibilities in my life. And then when I got news that my dear friend and mentor, Celeste, left her earth body, after absorbing the fact and getting over the shock, I felt inspired and have been able to look at the truth of impermanence with a little less fear. Just a little, mind you. In another act of universal synchronicity, last week Karen Maezen Miller wrote this poignant piece on the subject of impermanence here.

Tickweed

We saw this wild daisy growing out of a piece of concrete this morning.

The resilience of nature always astonishes me. And then there was my rock, I think this is my all-time favorite and quite apropos for what I have been muddling through on a personal level.

I bought this perennial a few weeks ago, Tickweed is its common name. I wasn't crazy about the foliage which is kind of like under developed asparagus but the photo of the flower on the tag drew me in. It didn't disappoint, I got my first flower today - now if I can only nurse it through to next spring, it might just be OK. But really, I need to come up with a better name for it than Tickweed.

After the flurry of weirdness this past week, oddly enough I find myself on the way up. I may have hit the bottom of the barrel emotionally and I am strangely feeling inspiration for all kinds of things. Fingers crossed and attitude transplant in place, I'm feeling more optimistic about life or maybe just more engaged with my present. Either way, it's good.

A Life

Have you ever met someone who could love deeply? Someone who could make you feel that whatever emotions were running through you were alright, help you through the particularly challenging ones and get excited about your dreams? Someone who you felt unfaltering support from, who was "there" for you and at the same time living their own life with a zest and intensity that affected every living soul in their midst? I did, just under a year ago. She was a fellow seeker in the six-month e-life coaching class I took with Patti Digh and David Robinson. This week Celeste Martin Rast left her earth life in one quick breath. To say that we, in the class, are all reeling from the news is an understatement and the common thread we are sharing together with our emails is the legacy she left. How incredibly alive she made each of us feel, what an inspiration she was and is by living fully and without regret. She made each and everyone of us feel special and that is a gift.

I was planning a trip to see her in July. She believed enough in a dream I had to help me get lift-off for it, and I was waiting for Riley to finish the school year so I could bring him with me; I knew I just had to meet this incredible woman and I wanted him to feel her energy too. Logically this loss should be overwhelming, should be pushing me down deeper into the quagmire where I have lived the last three months, instead I am lifted, buoyed by the thoughts of how she lived her life. I am thinking that I want and need to aspire to do that too. Because I have seen what it does and there is nothing parallel to it.

One of the exercises in Patti's book, "37 Days, Life is a Verb" and in our e-coaching class, was to write our own obituaries, in a way we want to be remembered. In Celeste's own words, hers read, "She loved intensely, awakened excited each day to see what was ahead, cared deeply, was engaged fully with the person in her presence, and danced as if no one was looking." Indeed.

I am here to say that one person can make a difference. Living by example. Loving intensely. Caring deeply. This is all stuff that has the power to change lives. While my soul weeps for the missed opportunity of meeting her in person, for the absence of her voice, I can't help but feel grateful that I see what her life brought to me and so many, many others.

Can I love so intensely, care so deeply, engage so fully that I make a difference? Oh, I hope so.

Celeste and David Robinson earlier this year:

Can you feel the love?

And then the rains came

Metaphors, metaphors everywhere. It's been a dry spring, more summer like than spring like. This week the rains came. It rained as hard as it had been hot and dry. I laughingly told Riley that it rained so hard last night that frogs fell from the sky. So why was I surprised to see this guy hopping across my neighbor's lawn?

And did you know that

I didn't think so. But I know it has saved mine.

Wordless Wednesday