Q51

Can you believe it?! This second to last question of *e*, What was the best gift you ever gave? How much did I love this question - not what was the best gift you ever received, but the one you gave. Who really knows the answer to that, maybe it was a smile to a stranger on a particularly dark day. A gesture that I never recognized as important. The answer I did come up with was the gift of myself, my time.

I kept it very simple, black gesso with scrapbook embellishments and some stamps using just the primary colors.

Fear

What is your relationship to fear? That's a biggie for me. Back in 2000 something happened that changed me right down to my DNA and whereas I had been a mouse up to that point, I became absolutely fearless. I thought that one of the worse things that could have happened, did. And so what was there left to be afraid of? I stayed that way for about three years, then my son was born and I instantly became afraid of everything again. How fragile it all seemed when I looked at him, held him close.

I'm happy to say I'm finding more of a balance with my own relationship with fear these days. I had to laugh when I saw this post by Pen on her blog. She put it so succinctly. I'm going to use it as my own springboard to laugh in its face. Once I get the courage, that is.

The Big Slog

It has been snowing here for three days now. Not hard, but constant. As in without stopping. That's ALOT of snow. I know because I've been shoveling it in a way that seems like that is non-stop too. And, I swear, I just looked out the window and saw someone cross country skiing down the street.

I feel as if I should have heeded the heavenly warnings and started building a wind-powered skidoo-ark. Instead I waved the white flag, but in all this snow, you can't see it. So I waved this one instead.

And this guy doesn't seem to think it's winter because he came crawling out of the baseboard this morning. At first I thought it was a spider because they are plentiful here, even in the winter but it's a run of the mill beetle. WHAT?! A beetle in January?!

Sledding was in order this afternoon and some dining in and of the snow. Until the frostbite was evident in our faces at which point I really wished I had built that skidoo-ark to get us home.

I've been trying to not think of it, but the big slog is now ahead of me. January and February, the worst of the winter weather. Slog, slog, slog. I'm trying to live in the moment though, so I'll just say "slog".

Q50

Almost caught up...two more tags to prepare and 2010 Weekly Gratitude is already up! *e*'s 50th question - What do you love most about where you live? I gacked at this one because I really don't love where I live. It's one of those things I'm dreaming big about changing, but I don't want to get into the whys of it all. I want to thank Oreneta Aground for bringing this answer out in me. She commented on how when spring does come to our northern climes, it is like magic to see the first buds and blooms. And it is, I often weep with joy and wonder at the snowbells and crocuses, at their ability to sleep so long and still find the courage and gumption to reach for the sun. So, what I really do love about my city is how we rush outside to spend time on the terraces - small business will even throw a few plastic chairs and tables out on the sidewalk when a nice day comes along. It's not unusual for us to still be sitting for a drink or coffee or lunch outdoors on a nice day in October, certainly not beyond us to do the same in February and March when we start to feel the warmth of the sun. I love that part of our collective spirit.

The Day in Pictures

Riley and I took the dogs out early this morning, even before the sun was up. We each brought our cameras and went out looking for art. With freshly fallen snow this sewer grate caught my eye:

We decided to walk down by the water, a route we hadn't taken since the first significant snowfall. The footpath had been recently plowed and we discovered that despite the early hour we weren't the first ones there. Someone had already passed through, walking a path of love:

Then we saw not one, but two one-eyed snowmen:

And we finished it all off with a couple of tumbles down the big snow pile:

It was a lovely way to start our year.

New, New, New!

My 2010 word, dream, found me back in November. I've been living with it for two months now, which I think is hysterical. Last night while doing some work on that word, I knew there would be more. Dream is the beginning. I am an active day dreamer and never leave a serious dream as just that. A few more came to me, patience and believe. And lastly, self-discipline. I count that word as one. Themes frequently pop up in my life when I read or hear other people mentioning something I've just been pondering or taking to heart. Self-discipline is one of those. I have cultivated this habit of getting up at 5:00 a.m. to have that first hour of the day to myself. I use the second half of that hour either for my cardio work-out or yoga, alternating days. It is a discipline and it makes me feel good and clear about so much. So I'm adding to "dream". I need to cultivate patience without resentment and hold tight to believing that anything is possible. Self-discipline gets me through all the steps. I was shown this YouTube video that I would like to share, on the theme that anything is possible.

Haiku Friday

Today is New Years
But not in Australia
There, it's tomorrow

Resolution Revolution

To resolve or not resolve. Is that your question? Last year I had a couple of goals, more than resolutions. Creative goals that I didn't keep up with, one I felt a little guilty over (imagine?!). I also had a word for the year - peace - which was like a goal. I needed to bring a sense of peace into my life about everything. It involved letting go of so much, remembering what is important in the moment. I feel pretty successful about the results of my peace quest. This year my word found me in November - dream. Ah, such dreams I have! I am going to dream this year, not only in a wishful way, in a way that brings these dreams down to earth and into my life.

A while back I stumbled across a blog post connected to, I think, the Mondo Beyondo group which was about grieving what you need to grieve for the year passing as well as setting your intentions for the coming year. I wish I could find the link for the specific questions as they seemed geared toward digging up a lot of deeply buried treasure.

This coming year I am participating in Karen and Lori's Weekly Gratitude project. I am a big fan of gratitude, it has been an essential part of my life for over 600 days now (and counting). I have also bought and downloaded Leonie's beautiful book for seeing out 2009 and welcoming 2010, with 40 colorful pages of writing and other exercises. I can hardly wait to carve out the time to sit down with that piece of art.

What are you doing during this transition time?

Wordless Wednesday

Q49

*e*'s 49th question - What is the sweetest thing anyone has done for you?

It might sound sad but there is no one thing that really stands out as the sweetest thing. I do know that Riley is such a sensitive and kind soul and so in tune with what is going on around him emotionally that he often knows just the right thing to say or do to turn my day around. Example: I had been given an ipod a number of months ago but was unable to get anything downloaded on to it despite many, many wasted hours at the computer. Two weeks ago after a particularly frustrating hour, I told Riley to take the ipod and throw it out into the snow because I never wanted to see it again. He took it, but hid it until the next day when he asked me if I was ready to have it back. Please don't call child services.

The Lifespan of a Ladybug

Yesterday we were moving some things around in the house and Riley found a ladybug. A l-i-v-e ladybug which begged the question - what is the lifespan of a ladybug? He used to have a board book with a page for ladybugs that declared they sleep together in bunches through the winter. Wikipedia gives them between 1 and 2 years. A bug! And they do hibernate, living off their body fat which they plumped up in the fall. And it's a good thing because there is no ladybug food around in our climate at the moment which is mostly made up of aphids and pollen.
Apparently it's not uncommon to find them in your house in the winter, the smart buggers look for warm places to hide but their biggest threat at this time of year is dehydrating. We've scooped this guy/gal into a dixie cup with some paper towel shavings and are trying to keep a little piece moist. I don't know if he'll make it through the next five months, or if I'm going to remember to keep him hydrated. But I have to admit it seems almost like a miracle finding this bit of nature in our house at this time of year.

The Big and Small of Hockey

Coach and Riley. Big and small.


I don't want to be a hockey mom. I don't want to get in the car in the dark, drive on icy roads with one eye looking for an out-of-town arena and the other eye on the road, to then sit in a cold building for two and a half hours with people on either side of me blasting ear drum splitting horns reeking of cigarette smoke. With all due respect to hockey moms everywhere, of course. I'd rather be a soccer mom. Which, at its worst, means sitting in the pouring rain, eyes on the sky for lightening or ankles being eaten by mosquitoes. But mostly its spending the last hours of the day outside when the days are long and it feels like a blessing to be outside without multiple layers.

These days we are playing a tournament which means the nastier details of the above. To sound completely selfish, I want to spend a couple of days at home where we don't have any obligations to go anywhere. Where we can putz around with our stuff, watch too much t.v. and eat junk food. Hockey is an experiment this year and I'm secretly hoping the passion for it doesn't grow. Oh how awful of me, I know. But there it is, in all its naked honesty.

Post Holiday Fun

These ladies never sleep together. I guess I shouldn't say "never" since I caught this snap:

And hoping you have a similar sense of humor, I stole this from Dawn's blog because I thought it was really funny. I'm not sure what I found funnier - the actual video or the person laughing all the way through!

Peace and Love in Nature

Wordless Wednesday

And a few words...Merry and Happy to all. Thanks for tuning in here, leaving your comments and thoughts. It makes a world of difference to me that you do.

Winter Solstice

The end of the dark and yet, somehow, the official beginning of winter. So what we've lived the last month is...here - still wintry.

I opened an email from my friend Christine today which read, "At 12:47 today the sun stands still -- celebrate!"

And until June 21st, the days will each get a little bit longer. I feel as if I've made it. I always celebrate the fact that the shortest day of the year is behind me, regardless of the fact that the toughest winter months are still to come.

Having tried to embrace the dark these last two months and really delve deeply, working with a deck of cards that describes archetypes and their light and shadow sides, I feel well versed. The one stickler there was that I kept pulling The Saboteur card. And after a little while I decided I needed to settle down and receive that message. I'm still processing.

But a saving grace came last night, while coming to the conclusion of Martha Beck's, "Steering By Starlight". Therein was a poem by Ben Okri (whose book I will be buying after the holidays) which reads:

Remember that all things which happen
To you are raw materials
Endlessly fertile
Endlessly yielding of thoughts that could change
Your life and go on doing forever...
So fear not, my friend.
The darkness is gentler than you think.

I am so grateful for finding that poem when I did. Or perhaps it found me.

Q48

*e*'s 48th question: What have you done over and over this week?


The journaling on the back: "This week I have shovelled and shivered and shivered and shovelled. Lots of snow and deep freeze temperatures. And muddled through in the dark, physically and metaphorically." I started with a homemade collage sheet and used snowflake masks and black ink. I have felt the dark this week, rather deeply. Mind you, I haven't had mice in my house and for the most part we've been pretty healthy. It's just that time of the year, in so many ways. I've never minded when my life has been boring, I embrace boring, I'm probably at my best when the external influences in my life are boring, some of my best friends are boring. As much fun as the approaching holidays are, I will be glad to get back into the regular routine of living and learning.

Friday Haiku

A mouse in my house
But it turns out it's not real
Made me think of Beth

I was cleaning out some closets, making room for the things that will be coming in the house next week, or at least the things that I am aware of. At the back of a cupboard I found this toy mouse. At first I flipped out, then realized it was just a toy, but a pretty good replica nonetheless.

You know it's cold when... (Part 1)

1) the locks on the INSIDE of your house are covered in frost;
2) you sniff outside because, well, the cold air makes your nose run, and your nostrils stick together;
3) you can't blink outside because the water in the corners of your eyes freezes instantly;
4) feet? what feet?
5) IF your car starts, you drive around on what feels like square tires all day;
6) even the kids and dogs don't want to stay outside for longer than absolutely necessary.

Wordless Wednesday

Q47

I can hardly believe the year is winding down for *e*'s questions. Five more tags for me to make, two more questions to be posted. The 47th is, "When you think back to your childhood, what moment first comes to mind?"


I have two strong, first memories. One is a home movie my father made when I was two as I struggled to dress myself. I hold that moment responsible for my low self esteem and poor body image for the first 40-odd years of my life. The second was the fact that I got an "F" in English on my Kindergarten report card because I refused to speak in class. Things that happen in our childhood can seem funny once we are older but at the time they are happening, how we perceive those moments mold who we become.

Thought for the Day

I received this card in the mail yesterday from Celeste, one of my classmates from the LIAV coaching class we just completed.


Not a Christmas card, but a celebration card. I needed to be reminded of this.

Making Lemonade

It's still cold today, but less windy. So we're making the most of it.

Here a Bog, there a Bog, everywhere a Bog, Bog (they are pretty good on ice, too I will admit)

and eating lots of these

Friday Haiku(s)

I'm tired, spent the day "doing" things on my to-do list. I made my first dream/vision board and accomplished a substantial amount of holiday baking. My back is sore from all the standing so I'm reaching a little with these.

The wind is howling
Crappity crap, it's cold out
Frostbitten iced toes

and

No pigs were harmed for
My double batch of shortbreads
Oven warmed the house

To Belabor A Point

Those are my new winter boots - Boggs - good to -30 Celcius, waterproof and breathable (thank you very much for that part). It seems I am forever on the quest for the perfect winter boot. I'll let you know how these pan out. And my snow pants. Life is better in the north with snow pants. No, I'm not five years old, but I wear them always when walking the dogs, always at a certain temperature no matter what I'm doing and it makes a huge difference.

I'm surprised that I felt so caught off guard with winter now here. After being lulled into a fall sense of global warming with the ridiculously fine November we had, this first storm really knocked me for a loop. Enough to call my snow removal company TWICE yesterday and act like the kind of consumer I loathed when I used to work retail.

But the Queen of Arts left me a message a couple of days ago which made me feel a little less alone in this blustery time. Basically she said she didn't intend to waste any more time letting something she had no control over get her down. She's rolling with it. I'm going to try harder to have that kind of attitude. Today I am grateful I don't have to go farther than walking the dogs. With the windchill it is -17 ( about 0 Fahrenheit). After 28 centimetres of snow (about a foot), then a smattering of rain and high winds, the deep freeze has moved in. I've noticed a pattern the last three winters that goes like this:

1) heavy snow fall
2) rain and high winds
3) sudden deep freeze

all within a 24 hour span. That, my friend, is winter in the north in the 21st century.

Over It

December 9 and I'm over it. Our first storm, which turned out to be less than predicted, but still of storm caliber. Despite all the excitement around me, I just can't muster up any pleasure for the white stuff. I deeply envy all those who either never have to see a flake or who have limited exposure to them. I was doing OK with the dark until this morning. At 7:00 a.m. the street lights were still on and with the incoming weather, the sky looked like it was filled with locusts. I do wish I could feel like this:


but I don't. I hate shovelling it. I hate driving in it. I hate scraping the car windows multiple times a day. I hate the cold feet and the hat hair. I hate the amount of time it takes to get dressed to get us out the door. I hate not seeing green, living things for months on end. Yeah, I'm over it.

Wordless Wednesday, by special request

Q46

*e*'s Q46 - What makes you glow?


I made this pretty quickly, without even thinking about it very much. Ink, masks, marker.

Globetrotting Monkey

I saw this Sole Monkey over at the Blue Chair Diary and it didn't take me long to join in the fun. Would you accept this monkey into your home for 10 days, take some photos as he joins in your life and blog about it? Silly? Maybe, but to me it represents the contact we make in the blogging world, some human contact versus cyber contact, not that there's anything wrong with cyber contact, some of my best friends have come from cyberspace. If you want to join in the fun, take in Sole Monkey then pass him on (I can see the various descriptions on the customs declarations already...) but sign up quickly as it's only open until December 9 and on December 10 he starts the journey.

Friday Haiku

Four a.m. full moon
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! I cry, I beg
But to no avail

Here a Chick, There a Chick

She beat me to the posting board, the Queen of Arts, she did. I was so excited for days before she came. We've been blogging buddies for any number of months, probably since last spring but when we sat down together it was like we were spirit sisters. We talked so much and so fast about everything, jumping from subject to subject, trying to learn it all in the few short hours we had to spend. All those things we choose to not blog about and that don't carry so well in emails either. Our visions and dreams, our stumbling blocks and our beliefs that everything is going to work out just fine. She is originally from my neck of the woods and lucky for me she still visits family here quite often which means other trips will be down the pike before I know it. She's a special soul, you can tell when you look in her eyes and she looks back. We laughed and nodded a lot in agreement - oh yes, me too. If I could choose one word to describe the Queen, it would be Authentic. It was a gift to sit and break muffins with her, and naturally we left a rock behind! Thanks for sharing those parts of yourself with me Kim, they are safe in my heart.

For many reasons this is a poor photo but I love our expressions - my favorite of the ones I took of the two Kims this week.


And the rock, again the quality is poor, the light was difficult to work with but it has an ethereal quality at the same time.

The End and the Beginning

When I woke this morning the snow was falling lightly. Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have had a snow-free November? Well, almost. I accept that it's November 30 and that the snow will fall. There wasn't even that much, enough to make a couple of snow balls or leave behind a few footprints.

And remember my chewed up compost bin? Here's what it looked like at 5:30 a.m.

Tomorrow morning the advent calendars will be started, the store bought one and the home made one. Christmas is coming and having that bit of snow made it all the more real. While we were out walking the dogs tonight Riley told me that today his teacher had told his class that their fathers are Santa Claus. Grade 1. A roomful of six-year old kids. Any takers on whether it is the place of a teacher to dispel the Santa Clause myth? I did a little talking dance around it with Riley and he decided that what the teacher really meant is that Santa Claus is everywhere and in each one of us. Have I said lately how much I love my boy?

On the subject of myth-busting, Patti Digh had a great post on her blog last week detailing a letter a mom wrote to her son when he discovered that the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Go here if you want to read it. I've saved it to pull from when that moment comes in my house. At Riley's current age, teeth are coming out left, right and center, but I'm hoping I'm not going to need it for a long, long time.

Q45

*e*'s 45th question, "What song do you have on repeat right now?" I'm assuming most people have ipods and use them, I kind of got lost in the shuffle with this type of technology. I have an mp3 player whose battery won't hold a charge and I was passed down an ipod nano (only 4 gb) that for the life of me I can't figure out how to work. I have managed to charge THAT battery but can't seem to load anything on it. That requires time and patience to which I choose to not dedicate. So the songs in my head are either from CD or what Riley is learning in music class week by week.

Friday Haiku

I am grateful for
This snow-free, mild November
Amongst other things

I'm Going Nowhere With This

Have you noticed the Human Calendar on my side bar? I love it, think it's hysterical and very, very creative. I first saw it on beth's blog and I thought it was made up of her own photos because one of the people in it looked an awful lot like her son. Then I started seeing it here, there and everywhere and I thought, "wow, beth's calendar is really getting around!" and eventually it dawned on me that it was there for the taking. Of course, maybe it is hers...I've just come full circle with that thought.

Another thing on my mind is that I think I'm the only one in my house who has the gene that requires occasional tidying up. Everyone else seems to be able to live endlessly in squalor.

And...my finches. Well, not MINE, but frequent visitors to my feeder. Thanks to Snap for confirming their identity.