My hormones have taken over my brain. WTF? Why does this have to be such a long, drawn-out process? You would think that after decades - nay, centuries - the remarkable female body would have found a more efficient way to ovulate or not ovulate, as the case may be. Not even pounds of chocolate, the sprouting of the traditional monthly twig-like chin hair or the tantrums of impatience can hurry this event along. Menopause? I'm going to embrace it with open arms, throw a huge and very elaborate party and burn my leftover tampons in a great ceremonial fire and dance on the ashes.